Is an engaged person fair game?

Yes! 

During an Oktoberfest meal in September, a group of friends brought up the ever mysterious subject of dating and engagements. One person paraphrased a comment he heard recently from a patron* of enduring relationships: If she is not married, she is fair game. It was made clear that this comment included engaged women. Ever representing the minority of opinions, I agreed. I admit that it sounds a bit weird to agree with such a statement, but after exercising some metacognition, I figured out the reason behind my assent. 

Before I answer, let me preface that I understand the sensible answer of "No, an engaged couple are clearly committed to one another, and therefore NOT on the market." Personally, if I met an engaged man, any motive for a romantic relationship would be extinguished. I would respect his choice of a person and offer my best wishes because I am a fan of such endeavors. The same is true of the woman who accepts his proposal. I would hope that the man she chooses is her best companion, fellow adventurer, cheerleader, etc.  

So how do my thoughts go askew?

I reckon there are many responses that I can share to defend my initial answer, ranging from a long-winded, yet highly analytic reply** to the classic response of quoting another person, preferably one with clout. I have opted to share my initial and most favored response to the title question first and the rest in the footnotes.

Like Howard Wolowitz, "I am a romantic"...of the idealistic, literary sort. I love the stories of men and women, boys and girls, who face their fears--whether it be in the physical form of a bully or an intangible fear or doubt. I champion those brave souls who 'don't give up' on someone because they are dating (or engaged to) another person (below). Mind you, I recognize that there is a line that separates the lovesick fool from the creepy stalker. I favor the fool over the stalker.*** Not to dismiss the pragmatic part of me, I think the engagement period is an opportune time to figure out a lot of things, including the depth of your feelings. 

 

Sun Tzu sums it up the best, "All is fair in love and war."  

*bishop or religious leader (in this case of a congregation of young single adults)

**The pedantic, feminist tirade. This was the most challenging to write up. It started as an intuitive concept that underwent extensive analysis. It is probably the answer most subject to critique as well, but here goes... I purposely pointed out the power to choose above. Why? Because the more I thought about courtship and marriage through out history and in different societies, I detected an imbalance of freedom between genders that I could not shake. Let's think about it. Historically, men were the pursuers (a strong noun indicating the power to choose, to capture). They had to be pro-active (another strong word) in choosing their mate--the bearer, nurturer, mother to their progeny. They would want the best vessel to carry out that task. Logically, young women were deemed ideal marriage material. What did women get in return? Protection, financial security, approval of society, opportunity to teach/influence future generations. Arguments for whether or not those were equal trade-offs can be discussed elsewhere. Notwithstanding, it is obvious that marriage was, more or less, a business transaction between families, with the details worked out by the patriarchs. This is the imbalance of freedoms between genders that I refer to earlier. Let's fast forward to the 21st century, in which courtship has changed, especially in western societies. Men are no longer pursuing with the same chivalry of bygone eras and women are becoming more educated, independently secure, financial breadwinners, etc. Some could argue, the rules have been redefined. Again, I am not going to address that topic. Pertinent to my thoughts, I asked, are women and men on equal grounds when it comes to courtship? The answer, although not as imbalanced as prior generations, was still "yes". Rape culture and domestic violence are both prevalent in America. Information on both topics can be easily obtained. Though women are making strides professionally, they are still subject to abuse--mentally, physically, sexually, emotionally. So how does this relate to the original question posed in the title?!? It goes back to the word choice. Fair "game"? That implies ownership of a person. I emphasize choice on behalf of the engaged couple because if they are both on the same page, then more power to their future. But if there is an imbalance, I can easily imagine how resentment, pride, and other ill manners may creep into the relationship and doom it before it even begins. I admit I have little experience on this topic in general. My thoughts are not stagnant and I am sure my opinion on this topic will continue to evolve as I learn from the stories of others and myself.  

***The exception being any fool in Westeros. I get a creepy vibe with that lot.